She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
