I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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