Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize