Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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