Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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