Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
