If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
