I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
