Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I want a musical about memes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
