grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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