if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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