sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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