I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
