I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
