this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
