I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
