yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She tied me up with her honor cords...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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