i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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