I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
