Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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