I just threw up on my dentist
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
