last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
