you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
