So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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