I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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