this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
