Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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