My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize