im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
