It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
