Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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