I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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