I haven't been this sober since birth.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
