I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
