There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
