I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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