my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
