I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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