it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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