there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
