So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
