yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
