You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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