It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
