Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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