Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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