My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
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