i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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