im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm at about main and main street
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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