i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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