If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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