I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
