What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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