I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
