got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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