what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
