i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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