What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
ttyl tear gas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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