I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
