Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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