im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize