i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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