Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
