listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
