I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
