defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
