Christians are straight up FREAKS
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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