I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
